Yesterday started off ok, then I had a major stress about what to pack for my weekend away beyond frumpy nursing bras and everyday jeans. Rushed about last minute to get a dress and picked up a cheeky Costa on the way home as a treat for us all, made tea and was just about to relax and watch a film with my boys... then Dave came home manstruating! cue early bed time for everyone, spent the last part of the evening sitting on my bed to crochet by lamp light while little one went to sleep. Didn't get any of my 'to do' bits done. Isn't it amazing how 1 person can affect the balance, or how 1 person can take so much to heart so easily.
This morning I started going about my usual routine bits, caught up on ironing that I was intending to do last night and I have gradually not drawn breath for so long that I have reached the point tonight where I have actually lost any feeling of excitement about this weekend. Is this a normal pre-40th birthday feeling? I have spent the afternoon contemplating why I am here and even doing this, and why other people might even be remotely interested in reading my seemingly 'average saddo 40 year old mom blog' with saddo simple challenges. If you know me, then you will understand my list and my motivation.
I am usually one of those happy kind of people, I always see the best in others and like to have a joke about and basically act like a complete goon with my family and those that I know well. My birthday jovialities and challenges were actually planned as I wanted a positive year with a number of things to look forward to and I really want to make a difference for others.
In retrospect, I suffered until early last year with postnatal depression following a traumatic birth with my little boy which I should have sought help for earlier. There is that stigma attached to getting help for depression though isn't there? Before we moved house, I got to the point where I was ready to give up my career that I have worked so hard for and I would day dream while driving to work, about smashing my car into a wall. The only things that kept me from doing something so terrible was thought of leaving my children behind and some hypnotherapy.
I'm one of those unassuming little people with a big heart, that struggled through school and don't usually share my inner thoughts with others. I have spent the last year making more time with friends and family, spending time with my children and enjoying my maternity leave. In some ways I'm dreading going back to work, so I am hoping that my very real challenges will help me to remain positive and avoid the trap of other's negativity.
I promise tomorrow will be a better day, it has to be because it's my birthday and that means CAKE!
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